Everything is bad.

I can't remember feeling like this since the time I was seventeen and totalled my best friend's car and walked home and burned myself with cigarettes for the next 2 hours (only in two places though) because I thought I should be punished and nobody else seemed up for it.

No, don't worry, I'm long past the self-inflicted wound business. Not even a flicker of desire.

Although in between sleeping I have been desperately wishing for the infection in my mouth to travel up into my brain and just kill me peacefully in my sleep.

I can't talk, I can't eat, I can barely move. I have been swallowing huge amounts of dramamine to keep myself asleep as much as possible. The rest of the time I have been trying to occupy my brain by reading. I have read every goddamn stupid thing on the web I could find, Bruce Campbell's autobiography, and the rest of the Breeders book. In the past day and a half.

Please, please, please do not send missives of pity or sympathy. That is not what I am trying for here.

Honestly I only want to be left alone. Even my poor Boy I can't stand, I can't look at him or talk to him.

All I am doing is trying to write out some of the pain.

Maybe someday this will feel like not such a big deal. I hope so. Right now it feels like my whole world is crashing down on me. Like I could lose everything I have worked so fucking hard for. I don't know yet what will happen. I don't know yet what I will do.

It is a good thing I do not have a car because I most certainly would be in it, driving myself as far away as I could get. As it is I have had to stop my mind from searching methodically for the quickest and easiest way out.

Again. I thank you all for writing and for being there. And I hope that the day comes soon when I can once again put my thoughts down with some levity, or even just put some thoughts down.

But right now thinking is pain. I am sure I will make it through this somehow, I always have. But I don't know how and at the moment I can't get through the pain to even consider how.

As for my own personal safety, don't worry. Physically I am fine. The Boy and I are still quite together. This is not about that. I know I will be all right. I know all things pass. It just hurts so much right now that I cannot focus on anything else, so forgive me.

onehanded