nobody's here on a sunday afternoon when I am trying (and succeeding) to avoid the work I must do before tomorrow.

I looked at my sitemeter which I had frankly sort of abandoned during these past few weeks, guessing correctly that my absence would lead to a depressing dip. But, I wanted to go see what googles may have occurred.

Here's the list, minus redundancies:

2001+marriage+dramamine+took : This one is sort of interesting in a surreal way. Is this a statement on the state of modern marriage? Is the rocking boat of matrimony leading people to experience motion sickness?

splooge+diaryland+spell : I get "splooge" and "diaryland" -- obviously someone is looking for ejaculatory diary entries. But "spell"? Are we perhaps wondering about the correct spelling of "splooge"? If so, how many ways are there to spell that? With a lisp: Thplooge. In Norwegian: Spl�ge. In Gaelic: Asreca�ner. Or perhaps looking for a witchy spell? A lonely wife hoping for a recipe to prevent a horny husband from splooging in diaryland? Or an impotent man looking for the opposite?

treatment+first+aid+infected+toe+diabetic : OKAY NOW, somebody REALLY needs to go to the HOSPITAL.

grand+theft+auto+constantly+makes+noises : Likely a girlfriend of another grand theft auto player desperately seeking a way to MAKE THE FUCKING THING SHUT THE FUCK UP. Thank fuck I got my Boy five new games and he found that a suitable means for me to get him to stop playing that stupid game.

Boys+Showering : My guess is a closeted middle-aged gay man. If you're reading this, boys+showering, am I right? Oh, now I'm remembering that scene from Brain Candy. HA! Jesus that was hilarious. Not as funny as Cancer Boy (wanna place bets on googles for gay+cancer+candy?), but still.

WTC+volunteer+opportunites : I hope you find some, you. I wish I could have been of more help. But honestly, I would suggest you look for other highly worthwhile places to volunteer, since Ground Zero has more than they can handle, and there are plenty of recently-neglected charities and organizations that could still use your help.

splooge : Simple and direct. A search that must result in something like 120,452,945,134,987 results, but a person who knows what they're looking for. A tip, however: "cum shot" will probably come closer to your goal.

sister+blowjob : EW. EW EW EW. YOU take your nasty ass off to therapy or something. Otherwise I hope you die a virgin. Yuck.

Women+kick+men : Hah! I'm completely certain this is a sub looking for a beating, but in the spirit that I wish that was meant in, take a look at www.dr-ruthless.com. Beating down male ass all over the place.

exercising+naked : Hrm. Diaryring, anyone? Now, personally, I eschew this practice, since I would fear for my nipples and pubes on the rowing machine, what with all its moving parts. Not to mention the whole sweating problem.

diaryland+blowjob : You know, Andrew, there's a major opportunity here. Seriously. There's like a zillion sex diarists, and even more readers of same. You should dupe Diaryland into, say, SexDiaryWorld.com, and shift all the cataloguers of their daily orifice activities over there. That would facilitate these people more easily finding their fix, since I sure as shit ain't providing it.

dramamine+package : Now, this could be a couple of things. What I am very much hoping it is is package in the sense of "whoa! Check out his PACKAGE!", in which case I'm very curious as to the meaning of this particular query. Is it an insertion? The effects of Dramamine on a Package?

deflowering : While this searcher probably does not deserve it, I will donate the benefit of the doubt here and decide that this is a young maiden considering embarking on her first sexual encounter and looking for tips and experiences. To the REAL queryer: jesus, man. THERAPY.

crystal meth + diaryland : Hm. Do we want to *purchase* meth? Or just find fellow meth-heads? Maybe an addict looking for support? I CAN tell you that meth is the single biggest rip-off of ALL illicit substances. You know how they make meth? They go to the drugstore, buy/steal a whole lot of Sudafed, boil it down to crystals, and sell it to you morons. Methamphetamine is, typically, pseudoephedrine hydrochloride, available cheaply and legally at your neighborhood CVS. If you get the REALLY good stuff, it's just plain ephedrine hydrochloride, available at your local truck stop in small bottles (okay, only in some states) labelled either for dieting or keeping awake drug. Also in your friendly neighborhood asthmatic's inhaler.

threw-up-on-the-boat : I like the use of hyphens in this one. It has a sort of poetic feel to it, as if it was a song lyric. Oh, darling, there's a song I wrote, about that time you threw-up-on-the-boat; You looked so lovely, while you were green; though I was concerned about the state of your spleeeeeeeeeeeen...

blueballed : Another one I wish I had more information about whether it's meant in the positive or negative sense. Are we looking to BE blueballed? Or AVOID being blueballed? Are we a man, trying to coax his frigid young girlfriend into the sack? Or a woman, wondering what it means?

migrainegirl : See, MG? I TOLD you you should hire me as your publicist.

onehanded.diaryland.com : Riiight. Um, maybe looking for my vast fan base? Who could know? I just hope this isn't someone who knows me in person...

old lady + fucking : we've addressed this before. People, please. Now, I'm all for old ladies having sex. But really. If I were an old lady I would be totally pissed off at a bunch of randy fetishists jerking off to elder fantasies.

- onehanded