Yeah, so. I've quit being interesting. That doesn't mean all y'all have to go fall in LOVE with others making me very jealous except for the amazing guestbook entry I got today from Emily who made me feel terribly special.

I dunno. There's all kinds of torment and conflict and shit going on inside, it's just not bubbling up much.

To be honest, I know why. It's because I'm scared.

I'm scared that this isn't going to work. The company. This whole life of mine, really, at this point. I'm more scared because I don't know what to do to MAKE it work. I feel lost, incompetent, useless. Like everyone would just be better off without me.

I almost wish that there was some easy other option. That I knew that, for example, I could walk out the door tomorrow and take a waitressing job and be okay.

But that's not true. I can't. I couldn't pay my rent on that. I couldn't feed my dog. I would have to do all kinds of things to make that sort of life all right. Let alone the people. Telling my parents. That sort of thing. It's enough to drive me into hiding.

Other than, of course, the fact that it would be nearly intolerable for me.

And a quote unquote Real Job? How do I put CEO on a resume? I dunno.

Well. I'm jumping ahead here. At the moment, we're still, sort of, barely, maybe okay.

What I'm struggling with is how to make it better than okay. How do I hire a salesperson when we don't have any money? How even would that salesperson manage to sell at this moment, now? To whom? Nobody has any money. Ford and Boeing are laying off. SAP reported earnings up, but that has got to be a measure of desperation, since they fucking suck and all.

I'm honestly not all that pessimistic about the economy. I do think we're incubating some stability. I have felt and do feel like the past year or so has been necessary, that the bubble was, in fact, a bubble.

Sorry to be moaning about this. Of course things could be worse. And dwelling on it all doesn't make me feel any better.

Remember a while ago I talked about A.? She's back in the archives if you don't. Her father died. This is a little crazy. She has a diary here. I read her entry about her father being in the hospital several weeks ago and my brain just flashed "he's going to die". I didn't mention anything to her. I hoped to be wrong. And of course now it just sounds like some sort of fluke. But fuck y'all thinking that, I'm here and that's what was true. And now he's dead. He didn't mean much to me personally, but I feel for her. It seems like a lot of people are dying these days. I mean recently. More people than are usually dying, near me, anyway.

My friend is getting a puppy. I'm glad about that because it means I will have a puppy near me without having to have a puppy myself. And my dog will get to play with it, and she loves puppies.

The upshot of all of this is that I'm feeling pretty limbo right now. I don't feel in the depths of despair, but it's almost worse. I'm having a hard time feeling much of anything at the moment, and that's always a really bad sign for me. At least these days I can admit that.

This is not how I like myself. In fact I don't think I like myself much at all at the moment. But what are you going to do? I don't have the energy right now to get up and do anything about it, and, worse, I don't know what I would do if I did.

With luck, tomorrow, the day after, sometime soon I can get enraged, or joyous, or something...this malaise makes me feel absurd, silly, stupid. Not just because of the malaise itself, but because OF it, meaning...stupid to be in this place again. Or whatever this is. Anyway. It's not that bad. I'm just looking for the door to knock on, and I hate waiting.

Edited, upon rereading: Christ, I sound like a 7th-grader (no offense to any 7th-graders reading). Sorry. Um, just beam me happy thoughts or whatever and with luck I'll be less ridiculous tomorrow.

- onehanded