Once again, migrainegirl reminded me of something.

And, NO, I do NOT want to talk about the proposal. Do not mention it, please.

Yes, I do have PMS. My bosoms are down at the corner pub drunkenly trying to find a sperm donor to sleep with them. The net result of this is a great deal of chest pain.

Anyway. What I was reminded of.

The Baby Question.

MG was sayin' about if you be wanting a baby, dating a man who wants one too.

Now. I got together with my Boy almost 4 years ago. And I was always totally straight up about wanting a kid.

But, see, thing is. At the time? Neither of us thought that we'd actually stay together for any length of time. We were supposed to be a lay of convenience. NEVER thought we'd still be sitting here together 4 years later. Never mind him being a widower now, or us having a company together.

But I will say for myself that I always said I wanted a kid. And specifically I wanted to have a kid at 26. It may sound arbitrary to y'all, but it's not, I promise.

Anyway. Boy doesn't want a kid. Sort of. Well, maybe? Probably? It's a funny situation.

He's entirely unsure that he wants a kid NOW. He's a bit unsure that he wants a kid *ever*.

On the other hand. He has said that he would "give me a baby" if I wanted one, although I think that was stated in an unreliable way. Also he has lately taken to saying things like "now if our kid had my hair and your eyes..." Which would sort of be along the right track, kid-wise.

My point of view has always been that when I want a kid, I will have a kid.

The End.

I have made this clear to him. If I want a kid and he doesn't, I will locate some sperm.

Don't know if y'all have noticed this, but there's not exactly a Sperm Shortage in this world. Plenty to go 'round, and then some.

It may sound cold, but that's not the way I mean it. The way I mean it is, that if I'm ready to have a child, that is automatically, de facto, the single highest priority in my life. The child, that is. I plan to quit smoking, quit drinking. I plan to stop allowing smoking in my house (something that sounds anathema to me even to write, but still).

And, as I have mentioned before, I am extremely lucky in that my father would be a better grandfather than many men are fathers.

Boy's wife never wanted kids. Boy had a hard childhood. It's a tricky thing. I've told him that I would like him to be the father.

He says he's talking to his therapist about it. Which is sort of funny in and of itself.

I'm completely uncertain as to what would happen if I got pregnant and kept it. I honestly don't know. He might stick around, he might not. If it was *his*, he would. Definitely. Because he's That Kind Of Guy. Which is a good thing. If it wasn't...whole nother potential story. Which I also understand.

So, I don't know. The Pill was a big failure with us. Frankly my sex drive could use a little extra oomph to begin with. On the pill? Not only was I extremely depressed, but I had WAY less sex drive even than usual. Did not work. Not okay. So as things stand, there's always a chance (okay, almost always) even if we're "protected". Since I refuse to use birth control I'm supposed to shove up all inside me, and then, presumably, get back out. Somehow. I never really understood that whole concept. I mean, not like I haven't had my fingers up in there, but goddamned if I can figure out how I'm actually supposed to grab hold of some *thing* and yank it back out.

That reminds me. Next I'll have to tell the whole Tampon Attempt saga. I use them now, just fine. Well, if I use anything. That's not as gross as it sounds, I promise. My periods are pretty weak these days. But anyway. Do not envy a pubescent girl's first encounter with the Tampon. Not to fucking MENTION the 23-page WARNING document about the Toxic Stress Syndrome (yes, you can get fatally ILL from tampons), or, the remarkably unhelpful "instructions".

- onehanded