It's getting better now.

I'm still a bit of a wreck.

And we (by which I mean me) have not yet faced a variety of things to be faced.

But, I feel more like myself. I cried in front of the Boy, which was good, because up until tonight I've only been crying to myself, and to this thing we call diaryland. So that's a step. And I have managed to make small jokes, and laugh a little.

Jesus. You would think my mother had died. This is not so.

Anyway. Getting better. Which is good.

And all of you who said hello and offered words and feelings and everything? Thank you. Really. I read my guestbook and cried again. It's something. It's something to know that (I think anyway) if I was living in a cardboard box and updating via the free library you would all still love me. Even if it's in a non-physical way.

MG -- I'm sorry I made you worry, and I appreciate it. I'm okay. I will be okay. I am always okay. I just...have had a blow. A big blow. To that most fragile of things, my ego. No, not my ego. My self-confidence, always a little rickety to begin with.

Bot -- love, and I'm glad you're staying here with us. Damn, you know? Objectively my problems seem so small, especially having heard stories like you and others have told. I think for me it's more that I felt so strong, so much better, and that last week felt like tearing it all down and there was nothing I could do about it.

Jez -- thanks for missing me. And I am still crying, even as I write this. But it means something, and I admit I am not quite sure what exactly, that there are people out there missing me, for whatever reason, and caring.

Shiv -- Thank you for being there. Christ. I'm sure that to outside eyes this looks like some sort of weird dedication entry. That's not how I mean this. I am crying as I write this and I don't quite know why, but I do know that I love you all and that I am so grateful for the kind and honest words.

Cerebrate -- Someday I hope to meet you. That's pretty much all I can say there. And that I'm glad that your bad day was just a bad day.

Vanity - My heart goes out to you too right now, and it's worth a lot. You being here, I mean. And for what it's worth if I were cyf I'd be all kinds of after you.

untitled - I'm so glad you liked the books. For whatever reason knowing that somebody out in the middle of the universe somewhere was a little bit touched by me made me feel better.

faux-pas -- I don't know that this is courage, bravery. Sometimes I think it is loneliness more than anything. Sometimes I don't know what it is. But right now it is a place where I can talk about the hurt that I cannot say to the rest of the world. An outlet. A place where I can say this is how I feel, dammit. And if this -- meaning me lately -- is how you feel, love to you too, definitely.

scaevola -- hopefully that good karma will work.

Goddammit. Stop crying, me. please.

Fuck fuck fuck. I'm trying to stop crying, and I don't even really know where all this is coming from. Some of it, yes.

I don't have all that many words left. or too many. Dunno

Once again I feel like I just want a rest. Just want time to stop for a day, week, year. Just stay in my bed. Not not not have to deal with all of the shit in front of me. Be lazy. Be hidden.

Okay this is just not going anywhere. I am not generating words for the way I feel. I am crying everytime I think of everything and all of the people out there, that have told me they love me, in so many words or not.

So I will adjourn. I can't express (to those of you who know who you are) how much you mean to me. Even in such a short time.

I did not expect this.

This in reference to you all. But when I wrote that sentence I meant this, this that is making me feel like the five year old that could never do anything right. It's honestly not much of a story, but that is not why I'm not telling it. It's because it hurts too much still

Thank god for the boy who has been so amazingly patient and understanding while I have been having a nervous breakdown.

Suffice it to say that I worked so hard, harder than I have worked in many ways ever, for nothing. For it all to be taken away from me because of a tiny slip-up many months ago. Because of a groups of insane people. After believing, for real, believing, that I had it at least under control. For me to wind up feeling incompetent, useless, stupid, wrong.

I'm still not okay. I did not mean to be quite so melodramatic in the last entry. But that entry is true nonetheless.

Can't somebody please make this stop?