Definitely better now. Starting to come reasonably close to normal again.

And, my. I also must thank wings and turtleguy and katress who sent me love psychically (and otherwise) and have now rightfully chastised me for being contradictory. And also more love to Bot and MG for sending me emails poking at me to sit up and fly right.

TG -- I understand what you mean, and you're partially right, but the day you understand why I wasn't actually contradicting myself is the day you cease to be even remotely male. Or the day you become some sort of male god type thing. Either way, it's probably not an enviable position.

See? See that? I'm even sort of lighthearted here. This is a very good thing.

I went into the office today. I sat on the way there with a burning pit of a stomach and told myself over and over that it wouldn't be such a bad thing. And it wasn't. Tomorrow will probably be harder because I have to Talk To Everyone.

To understand that I suppose it is necessary to explain a bit. About what hurt me so much. Prevented me from answering the phone *at all*, leading to my poor mother having to call Boy to ascertain my state of existence. Had me bawling curled up in a ball. Sleeping as much as possible. All of that.

Basically, we got fired. More appropriately, *I* got fired. By Obnoxious Client. I say -I- not to be egotistical about the whole thing but because I have really been the only person to deal with them from our company the whole time.

There are various reasons this hurt so much. But the worst, the thing that triggered every bipolar or unipolar or whatever reaction I've got is that I worked really fucking hard for these people. I went overboard. I killed myself for them. I answered every call, dealt with every "emergency" (in quotes because they really never were), pampered them, fed their egos, answered every question...everything. I mean, I've fucked up on projects before. I could deal with that. It is easier for me if there's something that I KNOW I have done.

But this time? There is nothing I regret. There are a few isolated things I could have done better, but not in a big way. The reason for the firing was something that I would have done over again, easily, if I could go back in time. There was no option. At the time. It was dead, or dead, apparently. I didn't know I was only choosing a further-away death at the time, but I did know that I wasn't choosing immediate death. Of the project, I mean.

So the spiral? Basically. Made me feel like whatever I do I will fail. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I work, doesn't matter. And even now the fact that this client was fucking *insane*, and I do not say that lightly, doesn't even make much of a difference. The whole thing just sort of pulled the rug out from under me. Made me doubt my ability to do anything, really. Make anything work.

So here we are. I still don't know exactly what to do about it. All I know really is that the company can at least survive, if not more, on what we have from Large Unnamed Client. Past that I'm not sure. But it's all we've got and I suppose we have to make it work somehow. I have to make it work somehow. I don't know exactly how, honestly. But we have made it this far, at times with less. So that is that.

Lord. My poor gang. During my nervous breakdown of the past few days I was pretty much gone. Because I figured that having me not there was probably better than having me there in hysterics in a fetal position under the conference room table. It was only last night that I could even begin to talk to the Boy about it. I think they understand, to an extent.

Jesus. This must sound like such a small thing.

But it's important to understand the backstory here. That we have been struggling really for the past year. That we owe our team money. That it has been really, really hard even just to get by lately, especially as a company with no outside investment whatsoever. And that this company is really my and the Boy's life, almost in tota, healthy or not. And that this project was the biggest one we've had in a long time.

We may still do the work (this is a complicated story, suffice to say our partner who WE brought into the project is now in charge and will likely hire us in the background to do what we were supposed to be doing to begin with), but now I can't bet on it and I don't know that it will be as much money. It's certainly not a check right this very moment which is when we need it, except really maybe a month or two ago.

And that all kinds of plans are now shot to hell based on $480,000 we may or may not get. That money was going to repay our team, repay my grandpa which now I have no fucking clue when is going to happen and all the other bills we have, and have some left over to stay in the bank against shortfalls in the future. Now, now it's back to barely hand-to-mouth.

So, in my little life it is a big deal. It's a great big fat huge deal that makes me feel completely incompetent and awful and stupid.

I'm starting to get over it now. I went to the office. I looked at people. I talked to a couple of people. Not enough yet, but something. I dealt with a few things. I got on the phone to Large Unnamed Client about some important projects. Things are beginning to feel more all right.

Soon I hope that I will be able to achieve the levity that is necessary for me to get through the days. And write here with any level of engagingness.

And again, thank you to those of you who told me you loved me, either in the guestbook or otherwise or just thought it at me, in whatever ways.

Yes, maybe this is silly. Maybe this is a lot of things, this outlet. But whatever it is, whether it's the ultimate manifestation of ego or simply people trying to find others like them, whatever, it has made me connections with people that I feel something for, and that feel something for me. And that know things about me that no one has ever heard, or read words written in the depths of despair, or cared when I couldn't stand the live people around me.

And I know it may not have felt like it, these past few days. But it meant something big to me to have this place to scream silently at the world and bawl into the stupid mute face of my laptop and also to read the moments of others' daily lives far from me. It made the fact that I was unable to face or hear the people who cared about me here a little bit easier. So even if you just read, thank you, for doing so.

It made things a little bit easier than it may have been otherwise.