holy jesus h jumpin jesus on a pogo stick am I tired.

Three hours of sleep is clearly not enough for your little one-limbed friend. Not that I don't have both my hands. Nor am I particularly little: 5'9" is typically a snitch over the "little" range. But that's of no matter.

Especially not when I went to sleep at around 3 - 3.30 and woke up between 6 - 6.30.

I think I have to fire my friend on Sunday. She's not doing anything and it's (rightfully) pissing everyone off. At the very least furlough her.

When I was little and I didn't want to do something because it would suck or possibly hurt me, he would always tell me to ask myself what the worst thing that could happen would be.

My invariable answer was "I could die."

In this instance, it seems highly unlikely that death is a possible outcome. I suppose it's remotely possible. I mean, she could be so upset that she pushed me into oncoming traffic. Or she could flail in despair and upset a drink and then I could slip on it and break my neck. These do not really seem like plausible results of such an action.

So I suppose that the worst thing that could happen would be the end of our friendship. Except that that doesn't really encompass all the guilt and stuff. I already wrote about that a ways back there somewhere.

Intellectually, sure, I know that I'm not really responsible for these peoples' lives -- at least as long as they're not doing their jobs. Or doing them badly. But emotionally...this shit runs deep.

I've always been the taker-care-of. I've always been the den mother. In some ways and others. I've always had people around me that depended on me in one way or another, with me usually as dysfunctional about it as they. I'm a lot better about it now, but still. These are old demons, demons that while they may be weaker than they used to be, still manage to tighten their grip at times like these.

I feel like a crappy Picard, having a hard time sacrificing the one for the good of the many.

I had a little chat discussion on the subject of race with jez who is a chicana and has all kinds of opinions on this sort of thing. We successfully concluded I believe that I am not a racist (see previous entry for big rant) and also chatted about a whole bunch of things that seemed like they ought to be an entry.

But I'm too tired and down really to write that one out at the moment.

Goddammit, I'm tired.

It's about 10 after 9 and I'm seriously thinking about hitting the sack soon. I'm not sure though I will be successful in sleeping the night through if I do so. Especially since the Boy hasn't come home yet.

Spent the day in Jersey with Large Unnamed Client. Upper management loves me, but I'm pretty convinced the people I actually have to work with on this hate me, although they are concealing it very well. You probably don't remember me bitching about work the other day, but oh well. Basically I sat the semi-important people down and told them that this project is a big fat stinking mess and then they went and told the really important people that I said so and this is apparently Meaningful.

Now, I wish I knew what *those* people went and told the underling people. Because clearly they have been Spoken To. With one or two of them it's obviously been in a chastising sort of fashion. But the others are in a bit of a grey area. I've talked with various persons in the higher-up level about the nature of the personalities there. A big problem is that LUC doesn't seem to like much to recognize people's weaknesses. They're great at recognizing strengths, which is really wonderful in a company that large. But they have pushed several employees into areas that they're really not capable of, certainly not without some real training, which none of them have. A lot of baptisms by fire, many of which are failing to baptise properly.

Enough of that I suppose.

I don't have all that much to talk about. I'm exhausted. My day has been all about the politics and the communicating and the dealing with employees who are seriously and for good reasons pissed off at my only actual good female friend in the geographical region. Granted, our friendship is not as strong as perhaps I would have liked to believe it to be. But still. This is not an "it's lonely at the top" sort of thing. I am not all that much on the top. I just don't get out much. And when I do I don't like people much, honestly. It's rare to find someone I actively like to spend time with.

This could probably be categorized as a character flaw.

I meet a lot of people. And I stay in touch with a reasonable number of people from my past lives. It's just that I don't really connect much anymore. I've written about this before. I don't expect to have what I have had with A. and S. ever again. But something more than what I've got would be nice. At least in terms of people I can actually see, talk to, at some level of frequency. I love my friends here, online. In fact, at this point, these folks, especially MG & Bot are the two people I probably talk more frankly to than almost anyone else. But it's nice, you know, to be able to go out for a drink or coffee or dinner with someone and hang out and be comfortable.

I don't know when the last time I had that was. Even close.

The closest I can come is the Boy, and most of the time we just talk about work. Granted, he still loves me even when I've just woken up and my hair is sticking up and I'm stinky, and vice versa.

This life shit is exhausting. So is this waking up too damn early and schlepping to Jersey.

It's time I think to veg and watch tv until something better comes along or has to be done or I fall asleep.

- onehanded