I had damn well better get off my ass tomorrow and go buy some goddamn presents or else I'm going to look REALLY bad come xmas morn.

Needless to say, this did not happen today. Me and Boy and Boy's Childhood Friend went out for dinner. We're trying to figure out how to start a bar in my neighborhood. Anyone with any experience in bar-starting is welcome to send advice...

Anyway, as usual migraine reminded me of something, namely men.

Mostly that I don't have a type. Exactly.

At least when it comes to men. Actually when it comes to women, either. I do admit that I cannot do fat. I do not mean chunky, or stocky, or adorably round. That's more than just fine. I mean FAT. Like, rolls on rolls fat. Big round belly fat. Obese fat. I can't do it. I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm terribly politically incorrect, big is beautiful and all, but that doesn't mean I have to sleep with it. Basically I look at Fat and see my father. Not exactly the sure route to sexual attraction.

Hoo. Off-topic again. What I had sort of meant to say is that I never, like *never* -look- at men. Never. Can't remember a time when I ever did. I have never said "hey, that guy sure is hot" and meant it (I believe there were times in early adolescence when I said it to friends as a Thing To Say). Models? Not a spark of attraction. Male ones, that is. Doesn't matter color, size, build, nothin'.

Women, on the other hand...christ. Barely a day goes by without me ogling some chick.

Yeah. So on with the point. I honestly cannot be attracted, physically, to a guy without some - sincere - level of trust between us first.

I've never had a one-night-stand. I've never slept with or had any kind of physical relationship with any guy that I didn't know for a fair amount of time, and reasonably closely, first.

They're scary. Men. If I don't trust them, I'm too...scared? Not necessarily. Maybe reserved? Protected? Something like that. To enjoy myself.

But I never really have had a type. If there could be something like a type, it would be Cool.

Yes, I admit it. I'm a total sucker for Cool.

I don't necessarily mean a Look. Although I admit that doesn't hurt. It's more the attitude. And it's not a specific attitude, either.

Both the men and the women I have fallen for have definitely been Cool in one way or another. Almost all smokers (hee). But short, tall, round skinny. Dark and light-haired. Oh, yeah. One thing. I do NOT like hairy-chested men. Sorry. But balding and thick-haired. Straight-backed and slumped. Black jeans and blue (believe me, it's an ideology).

My last long relationship? Actor, musician. Black jeans. Skinny, much older than I. Definitely cool. Also very sweet.

The current boy? A dead ringer for Steve Dallas (if you don't know, don't ask), I shit you not. Black hair. White skin (very. Apparently Columbians are extremely pale). Wears sunglasses -very- well. Extremely specific mode of dress. City boy. Tattooed. Also definitely Cool.

And all the ones I was really attached to before that, too. Cool. Big-time.

Now, I don't think of myself as particularly cool. But I have a feeling that this has to do with my many years of being most definitely, certifiably un-cool as a child. The least cool. The bottom of the barrel of cool.

At any rate. MG, I agree with you. For me, it doesn't have nearly as much to do with looks as it does with attitude, with ... that undefinable thing that we americans know as cool.

Hell, a whole damn entry without once mentioning my present state of mind. I must be back.